Here is my favorite and most delicious Kale recipe. So easy to make and so worth the feeling it gives your otherwise empty life.
Preparation time: However long it takes to distract you from reality
1 pound Kale
1 cup water
1 tsp salt
1 picture of a top Brooklyn school zone
3 hairs from the "naturally" skinny housewife married to the hot husband down the street
1 inch of a yoga/pilates mat
3 cups of your tears (from that morning when you woke up and cried in the bathroom all alone)
1/2 cup freshly shredded piece of your marriage certificate
1 tbsp of anything gluten-free
1 cup of freshly produced tears
1/4 cup any anti-depressant
1 pinch of phrases like "Kale makes me better than everybody else" or "Kale is the missing piece of the inadequacy I feel" (Pepper in these phrases to taste)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a large mixing bowl, put all of the ingredients in it, except for the improvised phrases and anti-depressants. With your bare hands, pound the ingredients into a mushy consistency. I usually stop when I hear myself no longer screaming. Then, call your mom. Immediately after, add the cup of fresh tears you just cried.
Pour the mixture into a cake pan and put it directly into the oven with your head. Stay in there until you can feel again and when you're sure you're ready, take your head out. At this point, leave the oven on, but take a nap, down a bottle of vodka, leave the apartment and take an aimless stroll, whatever you feel like doing. The cooking timer, or as the police call it, the fire alarm, will go off and if you've got my kind of cooking timer, the firemen will automatically show up. A whole truck of them! You just had real, in time, person to person contact!
Let the Kale cool for about ten minutes, take that 1/4 cup of anti-depressants with water or just chew them like I do, and it's ready to serve along with your praises and newly, kale-inflated, false ego!